Turning Point

For a long time now I have been struggling with impulse control, which typically manifests itself as making impulse purchases on things I don't truly need. This is a problem that is not fully understood by my friends or family. Mainly because I haven't actually sat down and had the conversation with them. They believe that I am a somewhat successful individual, who has his head screwed on. I appear by many measures to be "doing well". This is an image that I have manufactured over time, without actually realising that I was doing it. The truth is that I have been struggling for a long time. I have been building walls around me to protect myself from criticism, and rejection. I have been pushing away for a long time the reality and truth of my current situation, my life story, and who I actually am.

This was not intentional. I am today a product of my upbringing. However, I don't blame my parents for this, as they each had their own issues that they were dealing with when I was younger. Nobody's childhood is perfect, and my parents did the best for me that they possibly could given their circumstances. I don't blame myself for turning out this way. I was just a kid. I didn't know any better. It wasn't my fault. When I helped my parents look after my siblings, I was completely unaware of what path that would lead me down in life. I'm not talking about doing my share of the chores. I'm referring to being the emotional support that my siblings needed, when my parents couldn't be available, which was a lot of the time. I put their needs before my own, again and again. After all, I was the eldest. I grew up fast, and I missed out on things that most children enjoy, such as playing and having fun, and learning to be authentically and unapologetically myself.

Well I've had enough. I must now take responsibility for who I have become, because it is the only way forward to a better life. I'm never going to have meaningful relationships with my friends and family if I don't stop pretending to be someone I'm not. It's time to dismantle the walls that I have built around myself, dispense with the meticulously crafted image of success that I have tried to maintain, and put away the "person suit" that I wear every day, because it's all just superficial. Smoke and mirrors. The people closest to me can see through my futile attempts to hide who I really am anyway. So what's the point anymore?

I have reached a fork in the road. I can either continue on the path I know, and remain single and unsatisfied for the rest of my life, or I can take a risk and go down the other path. The unknown path. The path that will lead to an authentic life. One where I am vulnerable. Where I learn who I am. Where I get my needs met. It's honestly an exciting realisation for me, that I can finally try something new, because the way I've been living my life to date is downright miserable. I feel that I am finally ready for this adventure.

If you are reading this and you know me personally, I just want to give a massive thank you for your patience over the years. For those who I have crossed, I would like to apologise from the heart, and I would like you to know that I am making changes. Don't just take my word for it though. Let my actions show you that I am sincere.